As some of you may have gathered yesterday saw the world of football celebrate its annual orgy of spending, also known as “Transfer Window Deadline Day.”
Following the announcement of Arsenal’s signing of the German international Mesut Ozil, my friend text me to remark on Ozil’s resemblance to the actor Peter Lorre.
We then had the following conversation which I’m sharing as it pierces the pompous corporate circus that football seems to have become.
D: “Talking of which I see The Arsenal have signed Peter Lorre”
J: “Yep, good signing, he’s a very good character actor! Good at playing villains, not sure he’s any good at football though! Might struggle with Stamina as well because he’s been dead several years but a good signing overall!”
D: “They needed a good 1940’s Baddy in midfield tho”
J: “That’s true, I was rather hoping they’d go for Vincent Price instead but you can’t have everything!”
D: “I heard that Man City are looking at Bela Lugosi! They’re blatantly trying to shore up that back four! Start from the back and build a platform. They’ve looked vulnerable at the back ever since they lost Laurence Olivier to Barca”
J: “Agreed and Everton are trying to get Boris Karloff on loan, with United thinking of a late bid for the late James Stewart, mostly for his work in Hitchcock’s films, they are not bothered about his westerns!”
D: “Trouble is they’ve got an abundance of talent in the ‘thriller’ genre! You name them; Leigh, Hedren, Granger, Perkins! I think Moyes is weak in that area! It’s just Hitchcock, Hitchcock, Hitchcock with him. He was the same at Everton!! I’d like to see someone like Oliver Reed come in! Bolster that midfield and freshen things up a bit! You look at his credentials; Alcoholic, English Born and only been dead for 14 years. Perfect if you ask me”
J: “I agree but I just don’t think they will pay his wages! I’m worried they will go for the cheaper option and get Anthony Hopkins in (and he’s not even dead) that’s why I’ve fallen out of love with this game! Reed’s my kind of player, imagine him alongside a playmaker like Errol Flynn or Humphrey Bogart? Magical”
D: “Oh if only my friend! They don’t make deceased character actors like that anymore! I reckon McKellen will make a decent centre half when the time comes tho. Of course it’s grass roots where the real problems occur! Do you see anyone like Cage, Douglas or Jacobi coming through the system and really making a crack of it? They’re solid championship players yes but prem??? Eat my arse!”
J: “Agreed, Cusack and Quaid showed some promise but because of the penchant for long ball all their creativity has been stifled! I used to think Pacino would make a decent left back but I’m not so sure anymore? I think Charlie Sheen would be awesome in that role just behind the striker, as long as they have the decency to let him be dead for 10 years first before they sign him! But you know what these modern agents are like, they try to sign them up weeks sometimes days after they have died!!! No respect that’s the problem”