My break-up letter to Merlin

Dear Merlin

I have really enjoyed our time together and I remember when we first met. We were a lot younger of course, you a fresh faced wizard and I working in an office during the day and playing music by night. What great adventure filled days they were, you doing magic in secret behind everyone’s back, it was so funny and I never got bored. You know what it is like though Merlin, my love, in any relationship it takes hard work and commitment on both sides and no little sacrifice and you know I have tried all I can. I have been patient with all your little foibles and faults and that was rewarded as our relationship bloomed. Though now I feel it might be the right time for us to part.

Now, don’t be cross, listen to my reasoning because I believe it is sound. I know what you are going to say! That I am jealous of your ‘friend’ Arthur – but we have been over that countless times before. I am not jealous even now he is the King. If you are honest you will admit it is the right time, the spark has gone, things are starting to fade and get a little bit repetitive. Maybe it’s not you it’s me! I did look longingly at a Game of Thrones boxset the other day but I promise it was just lust, nothing like what we had. I can’t see any way back for us my dear and this may seem cruel but these are the five main reasons I think we should part and never look back:

1. Morgana. Long before she turned into Robert Smith from the Cure, she used to just stare wickedly at the camera and you knew that the evil little minx was up to no good. Now though she seems to have lost her joie de vivre and she seems to just stalk around the forest moodily, knocking people off their horses.

2. That bloody secret gate at the back of the castle that no one locks! ARTHUR, that’s how the baddies keep getting into the castle!!! Get a lock!!

3. Gwen went evil for a while. Yes I know she was cursed but please give me a break, wasn’t that just the Morgana storyline all over again.

4. James Bond Villianitis – If you want to kill someone why don’t you chop their head off? Or at least stick around to see if your intricately planned trap pans out as you had hoped? Why put all that effort in and then not bother to stay until the end.

Morgana:  “I am going to leave you now when it seems almost certain Merlin/Arthur/Gwen/Insert Character name as applicable, is going to die. I can see no conceivable way you can get out of this. It is not like this scenario often occurs. Darn, drat and bugger they have escaped, how could this be!”

This construct I think you will agree was so brilliantly parodied in The Austin Powers films, it seems quaint that this scene plays out the same, every single week but Merlin you seem to have lost your sense of irony.

5. Merlin my dear old Merlin. Why do you never change your clothes? Why do you persist in hanging around with that jock Arthur when he is always so ready to believe you are a traitor at the first sign of trouble? Why does your magic only appear to mean you can make spears change direction or people fall off horses (always with the bloody falling off horses)? And why do you continue to believe that your magic is a secret when it is apparent that everyone in Camelot EXCEPT from Arthur seems to know about it?

Permit me if you will to list but a few who know of your gift;

Sir Gwain

Sir Mordred

Gaius

Alator

Sir Lancelot

Balinor

The Druids

The Dragon

At least three or four new people every episode.

I bid you a fond farewell, Merlin; it was good while it lasted. I wish you all the best for the future. Maybe I will see you again one day, in a film or Christmas Special and I do hope things work out for you and Arthur in the end.

Love John xx